Dee

some thoughts

2009-01-10T01:22:13Z

This has just been too much, I sit here and think about this woman and cry and cry. I feel like a fool, I can see now that she has been backing off for some time now, the signs were there I just chose to overlook them. What is wrong with me, why am I so sad and crying over her when she clearly didn't feel the same as me? How could I have let myself fall so hard for someone? This is all new too me, everything about the relationship with her is new...the feelings of love, the caring, the sharing and the heartache. When I left my ex I never cried, never once looked back....I left and moved on. I was told that that is because I was ready, my love for him was over, I had no feeling left whereas with Tammy everything is so strong, still so fresh for me. I was also told I was meant to go through this to learn, well I certainly learned pain, Idk what else I learned, haven't figured that out yet, hmm

The last 3 years...

2009-01-08T04:40:27Z

This is the story of my life for the last 3 years due to my ex lovers indecision. I think Katy Perry wrote it for me, hmm.

Hot N Cold by Katy Perry

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know

And you over think
Always speak
Crypticly

I should know
That you're no good for me

{CHORUS}
Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you)You don't really want to stay, no
(but you)But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh bout nothing
Now your plain boring

I should know that
You're not gonna change

{CHORUS}

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

{CHORUS}

The Woman

2009-01-08T04:16:59Z

I had this relationship with a woman for 3 years and it just recently ended. She was my best friend too. I'm somewhere between deeply saddened and angry. More angry at myself for allowing this relationship to go on when it clearly was unhealthy for both of us.

I was so into her, she was my world, to the point of putting off stuff or not doing stuff so I could spend time with her, ignored friends and family. When I was with her I was "in the zone" as my daughter called it, forgot about everything and everyone around me. I allowed her to control me, to the point that I became dependent on her to help me make decisions that I as a grown adult should be able to make on my own. I don't blame her for this, its her personality to "take charge" and I let myself get caught up in that. It was so easy to let her just take over.

I'm deeply saddened because I really, truly loved her....with all that I am. I never met anyone so loving and caring, so easy to talk to...I opened my heart to her, she broke down my walls. She was there for me through so many ups and downs, my number one supporter. Actually my only supporter, everyone else around me is more worried about what they can get out of me that actually caring about me. She reminded me of my appointments, got onto me to take better care of myself and a listing can go on.

But looking back I can see a lot of the rough times and break up was my fault....my attitudes, my reactions, my behaviors. I was full of insecurity, doubt, jealousy, paranoia and so many other feelings. I'm impulsive and I am over emotional at times but that comes with being bipolar. Thats how we are, we have extreme emotions.....everything is in extremes. The meds help but its not 100%, there is no cure. Because of our moods we are very hard on relationships and friendships, its hard for us to maintain them. I couldn't let things go, even the small stuff. When I look back I don't like the person I see.

We broke up and got back together sooooooooo many times in the last 3 years. Usually the same pattern, she broke up and a week or so later was wanting us to get back together.....she said I had charm, hmm. I just think she couldn't make up her mind. She loved me but yet she couldn't stand me at the same time, going back and forth with her feelings.....hot n cold (I think Katy Perry wrote that song for me lol).

I'm gonna end here for now, starting to get to me to think about all this.........

My first entry...

2009-01-06T09:19:30Z

Well, as my user name implies, I'm going to do a live journal for my sanity. Sometimes my life can be crazy and complicated, so I need a place to come to vent and express myself, hopefully without judgment.

Some entries will be private just for me and others will be open to anyone, will just depend on my mood and the topic. The most important thing is to open up more and get things out so I can heal, if I keep everything inside, eventually I will "blow" and I don't want that, I want peace and calmness.......